TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let us have A further spot the place American Males can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you everyone a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from space, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests might ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 Trump Tower Damascus months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "Should you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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